


Stay

by hikari_yuma



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: HAHA JUST SOME MORE ANGST, M/M, and then we have this, feelings happened, oisuga, screaming happened, tbh i don't even know what happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 19:22:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3541085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hikari_yuma/pseuds/hikari_yuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oikawa has a panic attack, while Suga has to try desperately to get him to listen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stay

Tooru waved goodbye, managing to spit out a friendly farewell even as he felt the familiar nausea wash over him, his stomach beginning to twist itself into knots.   
"Take care!" His boyfriend echoed beside him, and Tooru chanced a glance at him, biting the inside of his cheek so hard that he was sure he’d draw blood soon enough. Suga looked so calm, so peaceful…and it wasn’t because of him. Suga hadn’t been smiling because of  _him_ , he hadn’t been laughing because of  _him_. He hadn’t been lately, either. 

Maybe he’d done something wrong, without knowing, and Suga was angry at him…As his thoughts continue to run wild, twisting and being thrown into darker places, the nausea worsened and he felt as if his stomach was trying to force its way out of his throat.   
  
He managed to mutter ‘I’m going to get changed’ without his voice quivering, but the usually rich tones of his voice were thicker and seemingly harsher. As his legs began to shake, he hoped he’d able to make it to the bedroom before his legs gave out completely.   
  
"I’ll come to." Suga chimed in from behind him, but this only drove Tooru into more of a panic. No, no,  _no_. He couldn’t let Koushi see him like this, weak and useless and falling apart. He couldn’t let Suga know what he was feeling – because then he’d be a burden, right? And if he was a burden, then he was useless. And if he was useless, he was weak. If he was weak, he was nothing. Then if he was nothing, then Suga would leave him…  
"It’s okay." This time, it was an effort to force the words out of his throat without them seeming strangled. "I’m going to have a shower." Oikawa added hastily. He heard Suga’s footsteps slow and knew that the silver-haired man must be confused – they’ve had showers together before, after all, but right now the last thing Oikawa wanted was to end up crying in front of the other.  
"Are you sure?" There was concern tempering suspicion in Koushi’s voice now and Tooru wanted to ram his head into the wall.  
  
He felt trapped, like a tiger in a cage. It was hard enough with the party they’d just hosted – sure, there were less than 50 people who attended (by Tooru’s standards, that’s hardly anything), but even in the quietest corners of the backyard he felt trapped. People would crowd around him, wanting to talk to him, to ask his opinion – and they’d kept touching him. Usually he wouldn’t mind – after all, usually physical contact was what would calm him down, but today all of his senses were sharpened and heightened. Every hand on his shoulder, or arm brushed past his, was a nightmare. Every hug made him want to run and every handshake made him want to shove the person away, no matter who they were. But it wasn’t just the touching, it was the  _noise_. Every glass clinked, every piece of cutlery dropped, every laugh or high-pitched giggle reached him and had contributed to his mood dropping. He’d wanted to clap his hands over his ears, telling them to get away, to just get  _away from him_ , but then they’d know that something was wrong and they’d question him and he’d never escape. He’d ended up just jiggling his leg or tapping, scratching the inside of his wrist as some way of channeling the nervous energy.   
  
As soon as he reached the bedroom he practically fell inside, slamming the door as he fell back against, sliding down it to rest in a crumbled heap as his trembling legs finally gave way. His breath came in short, sharp pants and he struggled to inhale, feeling as if he was drowning with no chance of clawing his way to the surface.   
  
"I’m sorry." He began to whisper, over and over again as his eyes burned with unshed tears. The feeling of nausea swamped him and as he wrung his now-shaking hands together, the cold and clammy texture of them confirming that he was in the middle of it. He didn’t really have a name for them yet, these episodes, but they left him drained and upset and unsociable.   
  
Of course, it was only a matter of time before his thoughts began their downward spiral into his own little hell. He was weak. He was a burden. He was stupid. He was useless. Why was he even still around? No one needed him. _'Stupid Tooru…'_  He thought angrily, self-loathing bubbling up inside of him, rearing its ugly head before it buried sharp fangs into his mind.  _'You think you're so great when you're not. Why should your problems matter to anyone? They aren't worth anything. So stupid…such an idiot…why am I even still here? What do I do to anyone that's worth staying around for?'_  A bitterly-tinged, almost hysterical laugh, bubbled up in his throat and he slammed the back of his head into the door.  _'Trash. I'm trash, that's what I am!'_  
  
"Tooru?!" That’s when Suga’s panicked voice reached him from the other side of the door and he clenched his hands into fists. Why couldn’t he just go away? Tooru loved him, but he couldn’t bear the thought of Suga seeing him like this. Then he’d leave.. _.’And I’ll be all alone.’_  The thought of this sent renewed waves of panic washing over him and he curled into a ball as his chest started burning. Everything hurt…his body, his mind, his heart…he wanted it all to go away, he wanted it all to just  _stop_  – “ _Tooru!_ " This time Sugawara’s voice was louder. "Tooru, answer me -  _answer me_ , dammit –”  
  
"No no no –" Oikawa began, beginning to rock back and forth. Suga must have heard it, because the next thing he hard was the pounding of fists on the other side of the wood and Koushi’s frustrated cries as he tried to gain entry.   
"Oikawa, open the door!" The silver-haired man demanded.   
"I’m sorry I’m sorry –" Tooru’s whispers morphed into whimpers and soon he was almost  _screaming_  the words, the pain in his soul so bad that he claw at his chest to stop the agony he felt internally.

"Tooru, get away from the door, please." Now Suga was pleading with him, eyes undoubtedly filled with tears, but Oikawa barely heard him as he struggled to stand, only to fall forwards as his body failed him, head ringing as it was slammed into the floor. It didn’t take long for Suga then, fiddling expertly with the lock, and the next moment the door was flying open and Koushi was throwing himself through it, immediately locating Oikawa’s shuddering, heaving frame, dropping down beside him to grab at his shoulders, yelling at him to stay awake, that it was alright, that he was there. But it all blew right over Oikawa’s head.  
  
"I’m sorry." Tooru began whispering, repeating the two words over and over again, darkness clouding his mind, trapping him under layers of utter despair.  
"What for?" Suga pulled Oikawa towards him, the loud voice and desperate actions dissipating. He became softer, gentler, handling the brunette as of he’s made of glass.   
"I’m sorry for being a failure, I’m sorry for being a burden, I’m sorry I’m so bad I’ve made you so angry I’ve made you worry I’m sorry I don’t know why you even want to keep me around –" He’s barely making any sense now, the words garbled and choked out as he struggled to inhale. 

"Shh, Tooru." He was pulled closer to his boyfriend, who seemed to not be phased at all. "Breathe.  _Breathe._  That’s the most important thing right now. I want you to breathe.” Koushi inhaled deeply, then exhaled slowly, encouraging Tooru to do the same. “Breathe.” The former setter murmured. Oikawa tried. He tried to slow his breathing, to inhale deeply, calmly, but his breath continued to hitch and stutter. But Suga didn’t let him go, gently beginning to stroke his hair, murmuring encouragement as the brunette continued trying to calm down. He allowed his trembling hands to fall open, burying them in Koushi’s shirt and twisting the material in his long, tapered fingers. He tried to breathe, for  _Koushi_ , because maybe if he did as the silver-haired male asked then Suga wouldn’t be so inclined to leave.  
  
"I love you." Koushi began, in that soft, melodious voice of his.  
"No you don’t." Oikawa felt his stomach twist again, the nausea that had begun to die away returning.  
"You’re not a burden."   
"I don’t believe you."   
"I know you don’t, I know you won’t, but…it’s alright to be like this. I’m not going to leave you, I promise." Tooru wondered if Suga was telling the truth - maybe he was just doing this out of pity. Pity, not sympathy, guilt, not love. 

It only made him feel worse.

"What if you leave though? Because of how weak I am?" There was no point in keeping anything hidden now, was there? He’d truly allowed himself to break, and now Suga had seen him…it was like Suga had walked into a room in which a mirror had just shattered in.  
"I won’t leave you for something like that, Tooru. I promise I won’t, and even though you don’t believe me, I promise I’ll stay with you."

_~~~_

_"I promise I’ll stay with you.”_

Those words would last forever, no matter how long either of them did.

**Author's Note:**

> Here, have some angst xD  
> Hopefully this wasn't too bad! It's probably confusing and stuff and I really should have spent more time on it but thank you for reading this! Hopefully it hurt you a little owo


End file.
